List Time!

Lists are totally my thing. It’s a serious issue. I literally cannot clean my house without an itemized list, with times, telling me what I can and cannot do, and in what order.

It might be a problem. I don’t know. I’m a blogger, Jim, not a psychiatrist.

This weekend, though, I was thinking about another list. Everyone has those books. The ones you read and thought “OMGTHISISTHEBESTTHINGEVER”. Then you read it again, because, obviously, so great, and you think, “This is ok.”. Then you read it yet again and think “Seriously, what is this crap?”. Sometimes you continue to lvoe them despite their obvious flaws. Sometimes you just…can’t. Because it’s embarrassing. I mean, really.

1. The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers.

I’m actually a little afraid to include this one, because my love for Francine Rivers knows no bounds. Redeeming Love moved me to tears. TEARS. Fat ones. The Mark of the Lion series, a story about a young Jewish Christian taken as a slave during the sack of Jerusalem, is really very captivating, as stories go.

The problem is the same as the problem with most love stories. The characters are so very, very one way as to be almost caricatures of themselves. Hadassah is incredibly perfect, almost Mary Poppins without the arrogance and silly hats. If she has a flaw, it’s LOVING MARCUS TOO MUCH. Because, you know, that’s all our problems. Loving our men so much that it consumes us. Seriously, quit. Even with that, Hadassah and Marcus are the least ridiculous. Julia, Primus, Calabah, Rashid. All single-faceted to the point of silliness.

But you know what? I would read these books over and over and over. And cry at the end of all three every single time.

As a disclaimer, Rizpah in the third book is a fantastically flawed heroine. Every time she lets another zinger fly, you want to cheer.

2. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer.

So listen. I was sucked in. I was 20. I was dumb. And now I own them all and they need to be turned into fertilizer. The first time you read the Twilight Saga, you’re so gaga over everything; Edward! Vampires! Werewolves! Child Brides! that you sort of miss the underlying tones of controlling, borderline abusive, definitely unhealthy relationship…stuff. Also the fact that he’s 108 and she’s 18.

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3. 50 Shades of Grey <—– HAHA Just kidding! I knew this book was terrible while I was devouring every sordid detail.

The truth about this book is that it is impossible to read it and think you are reading quality literature. Quality sex scenes, I guess, if you really think drinking wine out of somebody else’s mouth, after it is totally warm now and warm wine is disgusting, Christian Grey, makes for a quality sex scene.

Every scene in this book is littered with grammatical errors and continuity errors and realizations that it really is just Twilight fanfic (umm, it totally is.)

What books have you read, loved, then read again and gone “OMG. Was I drunk when I read this?”

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